December 23, 2001

SNEAKER BRANDS VIE FOR TARIQ RAJA SPONSORSHIP DEAL

Air Nutjob
Unidentified sneaker rep takes Raja/Reid to undisclosed location for negotiations.

In the wake of the failed attempt to detonate shoe-deployed C-4 on board an American Airlines jet bound for Miami, Nike, Adidas, and New Balance have dispatched representatives to Boston to attempt to secure a sponsorship deal with Sri Lankan/British/Jamaican wingnut Tariq Raja/Richard Reid.

A high-level official with Nike, speaking on condition of anonymity, remarked, "If we can get the new 'Nike Air Tariq C-4 Extreme High Tops' on the shelves before spring, we're confident we'll be able to corner the market on terrorist-themed athletic footwear."
IT'S OFFICIAL: OSAMA BIN LADEN CLEARED IN SEPTEMBER 11TH ATTACKS

The hunt for Osama Bin Laden was summarily called off early this morning when reports surfaced detailing that Osama's mom doubts the evidence against her son.

"I believe the evidence against him is not solid,'' said Osama's mama, Alia Ghanem. Wife Number Four to Saudi multi-zillionaire Mohammed Bin Laden went on to aver: "I don't believe that he did the terrible deeds they say he did.''

Well, that settles it, then.

In unrelated news, Pol Pot's barber has come forth with the startling news that he was innocent, after all.